In a corner

Well well well.

The weekend was mentally exhausting. Disagreements with members of the family had me losing sleep, slamming fists against walls and sobbing in indignation. Ultimately, one curls up in the foetal position and contemplates life in general.

Is it worth it after all? And when you hit the low, why the fuck can't you see the high? Where does it go? Are antidepressants made for people like me? People who oscillate wildly? People who are highly volatile? Or do you need sustained misery to kill with the chemical? And what about death? What is wrong with oblivion? What is wrong with nothingness? There is no afterlife, let's face it. And if there were an afterlife, why prolong that hell? I'm sure humans in their infinite capacity for innovation can come up with an opt-out solution, a way to end Eternity.

Fuck me, bring on the Prozac.

My brother, helpful as always, came up with brilliant advice and sometimes, when all is bleak and grey, I wonder whether this little (not so little anymore) boy was sent here to take care of us all. His capacity for care is infinite and it melts my heart. Couple it with searing intelligence and a desire to right wrongs, you have the makings of a latter-day saint.

Then when he left to Paris I was left here, a wreck for Adonis to assemble. And Adonis assembled and cradled and loved. Adonis stroked my hair as tears ran silently down my face and told me that the peaks and the troughs were always going to be there with varying degrees of intensity. And this made me sadder and I snapped shut like a clam.

After a lot of coaxing, I did what any normal person would do. I called up the offending family members repeatedly to try and get them to love me again. They still loved me, which was odd. I wouldn't have loved me.

I finished reading A Fraction of the Whole and it was unbelievable. It's too good a book not to be exalted (although I didn't really like the author after I'd seen a mini interview with him). I'll exalt it later in another post. In the meantime, go out and buy it and read it and don't be put off by its size or volume.