Waitin'

Waiting waiting waiting in a dimmed room and with a painful head and a tummy wound up tight like a ball of yarn. Ceiling oh Ceiling bring him back safe for me.

***

Yay to the weekend and the impromptu trip to Croydon for a chance at happiness. Yay to spending three hours with a caseworker, feigning politeness, interest, charm. I pray the caseworker is a man.

***

When I close my eyes I see bungalows in the sand and cliche clear water. When I close my eyes I am sipping an umbrella drink, swinging in a hammock and living in a postcard. When I close my eyes I can smell the corn with cheese on top.

***

Today I answered questions in class as a part of a "panel of lawyers". Three Alan Sugars were sitting in front of me and all I could see was the black frame of my obligatory-only-in-class glasses. Specs just make you feel dorkier but I now dress extra-sexy to counteract the geek effect.

***

ADONIS! Where are you eff eff ess. I want to smell you please. I want to curl up in the foetal position and smell you.

***

Today I saw John - Standing outside my window, smoking his cigar, ordering his yuppie drinks, trying to take me to sexy clubs, with his braces, wearing pin-striped trousers, texting me things like, "Credit crunch? What credit crunch?", holding up a fan of £50 notes, making a face - and he wanted to go out.

"We're thinking of going out next week and listening to jazz while smoking cigars... Care to come along?"

"Whereabouts?"

"Soho probably."

"Will you order your Courvoisier?"

"Haha! Maybe."

"Can we go to KFC afterwards?"

He looked like I'd just slapped him. "I'd never take you to KFC. Ever."

"Meh. I'll let you know."

How depressing would it be to live your life shielded from the joys of KFC, especially when drunk or hungover?

***

Come on sunshine, come home to your girl. I'm waiting for you. Come on baby, I'll love you and kiss you and caress you til you purr contentedly. Come on sweetheart. Come home to me.

I'm the King

So a serious lack of updates is only due to my general topsy-turviness. I would like to write something but I cannot be bothered at the moment. Therefore, I shall write later.

Later x

What's the opposite of lucid?

I was going to start this blog off by apologising for my lack of posting but I changed my mind.

There is something so brazen about London's audacity in the wee hours. Early morning, the sun isn't even out yet, the cars are whizzing by, the buses are all operating, people are out, in the dark, jogging, going to work, doing god knows what. London flips the bird to the world and doesn't give a shit about things that normal people need to survive, like sunlight and warmth. London does its own thang.

There is something so brazen and audacious about me here. I am very unkempt yet have no hesitation in going out to the shops to buy a pack of Marlboro Lights (20s) and smoking them in the confines of my minuscule room. Back home, I would have to think long and hard before trekking out in an oversized Qantas t-shirt, frayed jeans and a pair of Uggs. Back home, my only excuse for this ensemble would be a visit to the hospital, if I personally were dying. Still, I feel better. I feel prettier here than I ever did in Bahrain. Wilder abandon, recklessness, stupidity, call it what you want. Here I am the mess that I really am. And the outside reflects the inside.

The papers in my room had a party last night. I only know this because I walked into my room and they were everywhere, littered about, lying on the floor, passed out, clearly hungover from last night's fiasco. I could swear there were a couple of empty bottles of vodka hidden under the bed but I can't be arsed to check. The litigation twins (civil and criminal) had a bit too much fun methinks and were getting it on with insolvency. Sluts.

I'm jazzed up on my old friends caffeine and nicotine. My filthy lifestyle of the past is back and you know what? In the wise words of Mr. McDonald: I'm lovin' it. No I don't fucking want to give up smoking, Red Bull, coffee, or salt 'n' vinegar Walkers. Yes I want to ingest crap that is bad for me and see how long I can sustain it. Jesus, I'm only 25. If I cannot abuse my insides now, when can I?

Today will be a long day of criminal litigation, a paper worth jack shit really but it has to be done. If I just barely pass this, all will be fine. Then I can concentrate on other things. Like making sure the rest of my life is in working order.

Here's the sunrise at 7.30 am. I'm off to shower and try and look presentable enough to face the outside world. Later lovelies.

Another list

So yep, I have had a mental past few weeks, richocheting between wildly optimistic, insanely happy and clinically depressed. Life's a bit shit innit but we all plod along like hopeful puppies, thinking that maybe a biscuit is just around the corner.

I want to write about frivolity and stupidity and not address any major issues that have been plaguing my life and my head. And so I will. Welcome to:

June's List of Top Ten Unconventionally Good-Looking Guys (in no particular order)

1. Mickey Rourke



Maybe it's just a resurgence, maybe it's the new movie that's out that I have only managed to watch snippets from but christ he's hot. He was hot from the second he played Harry Angel in Angel Heart and had blood-spattered sex with Lisa Bonet. He was hot strolling casually, moodily down the streets of New Orleans and everything about him, from his seemingly corrupted soul in that movie to his ability to hold his own opposite Robert DeNiro is just sexy. Also, Mickey Rourke looks seedy and frankly, that seediness is something else.

2. Valery Nikolaev


Aka the bad guy "Ilya Tretiak" from The Saint. Everything about that movie kicked serious ass. Everything about this bad boy makes me think I want a Russian mobster who prances around with a cane and has long wavy hair. One particular scene where he is dancing with a Russian mademoiselle in some odd Russian cabaret-style club is probably a favourite. She is clearly taller than him yet he dances and sways her like a demon (for the two seconds that are shown anyway). Yum. Later on in the movie his face gets burned and he goes, "Look at me. I'm a damned devil." That is just so hot.

3. Jemaine from Flight of the Conchords


Whereas Brett is the obviously hot one on the show, it's Jemaine who pulls it all off. He dresses in those vintage threads and is unabashedly monotonous and hilarious. What's hotter than a man who can make you laugh? Seriously?

4. Alex from Prison Break


Yes I know. Wentworth Miller is the obvious piece of hotness on that show but this is an unconventional list and so I think Alex should get the recognition he so rightfully deserves. He is every bit as intense and intelligent as Michael Scofield without that whiny morality that gets on your nerves. He's in love with his wife, he's vengeful, he's hardcore and he can kill a man with his bare hands, easily. It really doesn't get any better than that.

5. Nicolas Sarkozy


Hell-oo Monsieur le President! My mum believes him to be some sort of sexual deviant based on practically nothing. I say anyone who manages to marry Carla Bruni is definitely sure to have a few tricks up his sleeve. You can't pin down a woman like Carla without being really good in bed. Oh wait. She gets to chill out in the Elysee. And be Madame Sarkozy. And be married to the president of a sexy country. Yeah I suppose that's enough to pin anyone down.

6. Dylan Moran


Irish comedian extraordinaire, he is the right side of scruffy and side-clutchingly funny. He's been in Black Books where he plays a surly, pessimistic bookshop owner and has had a few stand-up shows. His humour is dry and sarcastic and a little bit angry. But really, it's his voice. Oh that voice. The Irish accent kills it every time and the combination of cigarettes and alcohol gives it that depth that only a lucky few are naturally blessed with. Talk to me, talk to me Dylan. All jokes aside, Dylan, you're hot.

7. Jesus Christ


Our Lord and Saviour is not a bad looking bloke. Actually, I think it was part of the charm and a huge proponent of His popularity that He was so handsome. I am in love with Jesus, I always have been. Especially in Passion of the Christ. And this is yet another classic example of my intrinsic inability to distinguish between fact and fiction.

8. Val Kilmer


Yes in my head he is unconventional because ask anyone in the world as to whether they think he's hot stuff and 9 times out of 10 they'll be like, "Eeuw." Little do they know Val is far from eeuw and back in his heyday, back in the time of Batman Forever, The Saint, The Ghost and the Darkness and The Doors, Val was some kinda god. To me anyway. Val had it all without being too obvious about it and he managed to convince me 100% that he was all of those characters and then some. Val made me have dreams about him and made me write "June Kilmer" on the back of all my exercise jotters (notebooks for those of you with an American education). Val had me insanely jealous of Cindy Crawford and wishing I'd had children with him instead. Val had me abandon all hope and reason. I think I'll be addressing this obsession in another post actually.

9. Jean Reno


He's French, he looks a little like a hotter, kinder version of my father, and he manages to be both deadly serious and funny at the same time. Yep, without getting too Freudian about it, he's very hot.

10. Shane Warne


The Wonder from Down Under. A cricketer known for his philandering and thus introduced to me through the incredible medium of Kath & Kim. He's a serial cheat and sleazy as they come but had actually agreed to be on the show and be poked fun at which I love. We all make mistakes hey. What's more endearing than a man who is willing to have his' brought up repeatedly on national television? Not much I tell you.

Mundane

Here I am darlings. In Bahrain and ready to tear my hair out were it not for my mother who mothers and my brother who brothers and my friend who erm cares? The frustration is palpable and painful almost and my head spins and the people I know are everywhere and they are predatory predatory predatory for fuck's sake.

A one-time venture out of the house and I see 3458345073450 people I know. All the while I can only think of Adonis and want to bury my head in the dusty area just outside Starbucks Budaiya whilst sipping English breakfast tea.

I saw an ex who looked amazing though, all trim beard and dashing good looks. All grown up and devastating, heart-breaking.. He was a man now. Blue raised an eyebrow, after we'd left, in appreciation. We smiled and cracked jokes. He ruffled my hair and rubbed my arm and had to be on his way and I watched him slightly perturbed at this new person.

Still the weather is quite lovely.

I am looking forward to an indoorsy type night with Blue with maybe a tentative drive to BuKuwara for Janburger. Otherwise nothing fills these bleak days but episode upon episode of House and I look forward to the day when I can turn around to my colleagues at work and say in a serious voice while shooting loaded looks, "I'm trying to do my job."

My grandma gushes over me as I eat qormeh sabzi and tells me that I am the best granddaughter because I polish off my heaped plate. My mum bursts with pride when an aunt pays me a compliment. My best friend tells me I'm doing okay. There's certainly no lack of love in this here parts.

Some good news: a friend of mine is getting married! What's the big deal I hear you ask since marriage in Bahrain is basically a cure for boredom, depression, Tourette's, Alzheimer's, syphillis, general aches and pains, and any other mental or physical ailment you can think of. Well, she's a New Yorker and when she had come to visit me early on this year she had told me that marriage was not for her and that she never thought she'd take the plunge and I'd believed her because I knew her. But, she met someone and someone who is, by her account, pretty damn awesome. I'm feeling pretty damn awesome myself. An uplifting bit of good news. The wedding is to take place on New Year's eve which I think is lovely.

Otherwise nothing to report as my will to live and inspiration dry up. I will write something perhaps a little more meaningful at some point.

Time is of the essence

I do believe that today, time is standing still. And if I look at my watch very carefully, I can sometimes catch the minute hand going backwards.

That is all. Thank you.

Lists to make me feel better

Good things going on right now:

• My Adonis who spoils me.
• The white chocolate Crunch bar I just had. White chocolate is by no means a favourite but it works when the chocolate demons invade.
• The naughty cigarettes I had whilst waiting for my manicure.
• My luxury manicure and pedicure at The Berkeley courtesy of Adonis who spoiled me. And consequently...
• My beautiful nails.
  
• The fact that I still have a training contract.
• My ability to make random friends on the bus with people who nudge me in various directions.
• The rest of my evening which will be spent unwinding and watching things that numb my brain and drinking my body volume in tea.

Things I don't want to think about but dammit, they're there anyway:

• Bahrain. Surprised? I'm not.
  
• Interviewing assessment on the 18th and solicitor's accounts on the 19th.
• Saying goodbye to Adonis at the airport.
• The banoffee ice-cream I have in the freezer waiting for me.
• The rest of those naughty cigarettes in my bag just dying to be smoked.
• The disappearance of my Oyster card and all the other cards in that little black plastic holder i.e. my Costa loyalty card, college entry card, NUS card, random finance person's card with The Beast's phone number on the back.
• My boots which are due to arrive any minute now.

Things I will do in Bahrain:

• Hang out with mum and get her to love me again.
• Avoid the rest of the family.
• Hang out with my brother.
• Hang out with Blue and MSB.
• Generally do a lot of hanging.
• Sit in my brother's room and watch things. Can you say "escapism"?
  

Things I will do when I return from Bahrain:

• Write up a proper CV for fuck's sake. No more pussyfootin' around.
  
• Get out of London for a while. Maybe rent a cabin somewhere and hibernate.
• Stop worrying.
• Start revision early.
• Look for somewhere to live. Maybe same area. Maybe somewhere else. A nice safe haven which will be free of Max, my filthy French flatmate.
• Exhibit poise and grace and stop being such a noob in general.
• Finish House of Dead III after having finished House of Dead II when Adonis was long dead. I beat the boss on my own. Hello geekazoid.
• Watch every single Bond movie ever made with Adonis.
• Never say no to another invitation to the pub. Ever.

------

Here's a blast from the past. Jesus I used to love this song so much and I found the video quite intriguing.