Mundane

Here I am darlings. In Bahrain and ready to tear my hair out were it not for my mother who mothers and my brother who brothers and my friend who erm cares? The frustration is palpable and painful almost and my head spins and the people I know are everywhere and they are predatory predatory predatory for fuck's sake.

A one-time venture out of the house and I see 3458345073450 people I know. All the while I can only think of Adonis and want to bury my head in the dusty area just outside Starbucks Budaiya whilst sipping English breakfast tea.

I saw an ex who looked amazing though, all trim beard and dashing good looks. All grown up and devastating, heart-breaking.. He was a man now. Blue raised an eyebrow, after we'd left, in appreciation. We smiled and cracked jokes. He ruffled my hair and rubbed my arm and had to be on his way and I watched him slightly perturbed at this new person.

Still the weather is quite lovely.

I am looking forward to an indoorsy type night with Blue with maybe a tentative drive to BuKuwara for Janburger. Otherwise nothing fills these bleak days but episode upon episode of House and I look forward to the day when I can turn around to my colleagues at work and say in a serious voice while shooting loaded looks, "I'm trying to do my job."

My grandma gushes over me as I eat qormeh sabzi and tells me that I am the best granddaughter because I polish off my heaped plate. My mum bursts with pride when an aunt pays me a compliment. My best friend tells me I'm doing okay. There's certainly no lack of love in this here parts.

Some good news: a friend of mine is getting married! What's the big deal I hear you ask since marriage in Bahrain is basically a cure for boredom, depression, Tourette's, Alzheimer's, syphillis, general aches and pains, and any other mental or physical ailment you can think of. Well, she's a New Yorker and when she had come to visit me early on this year she had told me that marriage was not for her and that she never thought she'd take the plunge and I'd believed her because I knew her. But, she met someone and someone who is, by her account, pretty damn awesome. I'm feeling pretty damn awesome myself. An uplifting bit of good news. The wedding is to take place on New Year's eve which I think is lovely.

Otherwise nothing to report as my will to live and inspiration dry up. I will write something perhaps a little more meaningful at some point.

Time is of the essence

I do believe that today, time is standing still. And if I look at my watch very carefully, I can sometimes catch the minute hand going backwards.

That is all. Thank you.

Lists to make me feel better

Good things going on right now:

• My Adonis who spoils me.
• The white chocolate Crunch bar I just had. White chocolate is by no means a favourite but it works when the chocolate demons invade.
• The naughty cigarettes I had whilst waiting for my manicure.
• My luxury manicure and pedicure at The Berkeley courtesy of Adonis who spoiled me. And consequently...
• My beautiful nails.
  
• The fact that I still have a training contract.
• My ability to make random friends on the bus with people who nudge me in various directions.
• The rest of my evening which will be spent unwinding and watching things that numb my brain and drinking my body volume in tea.

Things I don't want to think about but dammit, they're there anyway:

• Bahrain. Surprised? I'm not.
  
• Interviewing assessment on the 18th and solicitor's accounts on the 19th.
• Saying goodbye to Adonis at the airport.
• The banoffee ice-cream I have in the freezer waiting for me.
• The rest of those naughty cigarettes in my bag just dying to be smoked.
• The disappearance of my Oyster card and all the other cards in that little black plastic holder i.e. my Costa loyalty card, college entry card, NUS card, random finance person's card with The Beast's phone number on the back.
• My boots which are due to arrive any minute now.

Things I will do in Bahrain:

• Hang out with mum and get her to love me again.
• Avoid the rest of the family.
• Hang out with my brother.
• Hang out with Blue and MSB.
• Generally do a lot of hanging.
• Sit in my brother's room and watch things. Can you say "escapism"?
  

Things I will do when I return from Bahrain:

• Write up a proper CV for fuck's sake. No more pussyfootin' around.
  
• Get out of London for a while. Maybe rent a cabin somewhere and hibernate.
• Stop worrying.
• Start revision early.
• Look for somewhere to live. Maybe same area. Maybe somewhere else. A nice safe haven which will be free of Max, my filthy French flatmate.
• Exhibit poise and grace and stop being such a noob in general.
• Finish House of Dead III after having finished House of Dead II when Adonis was long dead. I beat the boss on my own. Hello geekazoid.
• Watch every single Bond movie ever made with Adonis.
• Never say no to another invitation to the pub. Ever.

------

Here's a blast from the past. Jesus I used to love this song so much and I found the video quite intriguing.

In a corner

Well well well.

The weekend was mentally exhausting. Disagreements with members of the family had me losing sleep, slamming fists against walls and sobbing in indignation. Ultimately, one curls up in the foetal position and contemplates life in general.

Is it worth it after all? And when you hit the low, why the fuck can't you see the high? Where does it go? Are antidepressants made for people like me? People who oscillate wildly? People who are highly volatile? Or do you need sustained misery to kill with the chemical? And what about death? What is wrong with oblivion? What is wrong with nothingness? There is no afterlife, let's face it. And if there were an afterlife, why prolong that hell? I'm sure humans in their infinite capacity for innovation can come up with an opt-out solution, a way to end Eternity.

Fuck me, bring on the Prozac.

My brother, helpful as always, came up with brilliant advice and sometimes, when all is bleak and grey, I wonder whether this little (not so little anymore) boy was sent here to take care of us all. His capacity for care is infinite and it melts my heart. Couple it with searing intelligence and a desire to right wrongs, you have the makings of a latter-day saint.

Then when he left to Paris I was left here, a wreck for Adonis to assemble. And Adonis assembled and cradled and loved. Adonis stroked my hair as tears ran silently down my face and told me that the peaks and the troughs were always going to be there with varying degrees of intensity. And this made me sadder and I snapped shut like a clam.

After a lot of coaxing, I did what any normal person would do. I called up the offending family members repeatedly to try and get them to love me again. They still loved me, which was odd. I wouldn't have loved me.

I finished reading A Fraction of the Whole and it was unbelievable. It's too good a book not to be exalted (although I didn't really like the author after I'd seen a mini interview with him). I'll exalt it later in another post. In the meantime, go out and buy it and read it and don't be put off by its size or volume.

Today

Adonis comes home today.

The sun starts shining today.
The birds start singing today.
The traffic lights are a brighter shade of yellow today.
The world is a better place today.
The flat is a lot warmer today.
My flatmate Max doesn't piss me off today.
Two weeks in Bahrain seems like a lesser hell today.
Two exams next week don't faze me today.
Banoffee pie tastes better than ever today.
This week's Prison Break has me on the edge of my seat today.
Hours spent on the work I've been doing all week don't matter today.
I'll laugh more sincerely today.
I won't have to pace his room and sniff his cupboard today.
I won't be sending frantic texts at 1 AM today.
I'll be taking care of my baby today.
Since I asked for one, I might get a chocolate Santa today.

But really, Adonis comes home today.

Can't Buy Me Love

Oh my fuck. You will not believe who I saw tonight.

Mind you this was supposed to be an ordinary evening where Adonis and I were just going to catch a shitty movie and do nothing. So we head to Camden which is about 5 minutes away and go to the crappy little Odeon, watch our movie, disturb everyone with our wisecracking comments and general disruptive behaviour, laugh at inappropriate times and just go home.
On the walk home we passed by the Chinese floating restaurant we see every time which intrigues us.

"Are you hungry?" he asked.

"A little. What do you think?"

"I've always wanted to try it."

We paused in contemplation. I always had an uneasy feeling about the place because it's right on the water. "Sweetie we'll only go in if there are people inside."

There were people. "I bet it's full of rats," he said. Awesome. Let's definitely give it a shot now. Still, we thought worst case scenario, we'll have a nibble and walk out.

In we walked, I took off the many layers I had on and stood for a while, staring out the window mouth agape at the many lights.

"Sit down I want to tell you something, " whispered Adonis. "Is that Paul McCartney?"

Oh. My. Fuck. It was. It was Sir Paul. It was a real life Beatle. It was him. And he was sitting a table away with some brunette eating seaweed with his hands.

Needless to say I completely lost the plot and sat there beaming at him. On his way out, he looked at me, did a double-take and smiled back, I swear!

When I told Adonis this he said, "Of course he did. Now pull your dress up."

A flurry of smses and I don't even know what happened for the rest of the evening. But oh dear Lord, I am positively starstruck.

Enjoy kiddos..



P.S. I must add that Sir Paul was the perfect gentleman. He got up when his lady friend came back from the loo, he asked for the check when she was away and he thanked the staff profusely with hugs and kisses. What a guy.

Allure

I have to say, I'm a sucker for magazines. And not those esteemed publications either like The Economist or whatnot. I'm a sucker for all things Elle and Glamour and InStyle and Allure and so on and so forth. I cannot resist the glossiness and the recycled beauty advice and the clothes, those beautiful clothes, and the stunning people.

I have been reading Allure religiously for the past nine years. Yes, I am a loser. Yes I am shallow and superficial and narcissistic and far too obsessed with beauty to ever dig deep into any particular worthwhile academic discipline, career-path or worthy cause.

Recently, however, I have been eschewing certain aspects of beauty magazines. As I mentioned earlier, it's all recycled and I'd noted that early on but chose to keep turning a blind eye for the best part of nine years. So, I ultimately decided that since most of this advice seems arbitrary and somewhat common knowledge, I'll give you my own version of advice that you may choose to follow or ignore, the results of which are dubious at best but ultimately, I pretty much practice what I preach and it all worked for me so here goes..

June's List of Tips

1. Skin is important but easy to deal with. Wash twice a day with any old soap you have in the bathroom. Trust me, it doesn't matter. Lotions and potions don't work and nothing beats the feeling of a very clean face. And if you find your face isn't as clear as you'd like it to be, reconsider your diet.

2. When it comes to hair, I am a firm believer that it should really be as natural and unstructured as possible. You have curls? Work them. Afraid of frizz? Don't be. Use your conditioner, wash it every day (that shit about it being bad for your hair is just that, shit). And the only men who preferred my hair straightened to within an inch of its life are the type of men I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. Wavy hair signifies sex-kitten. What could be better than that?

3. I have tried every moisturiser available in London (probably) and the best by far has always been Johnson's Dreamy Skin Body Lotion which smells sweet, edible and not moisturisery at all.

4. Mix it up a bit. Wear something masculine and utilitarian with girly accessories like big earrings or bangles. Wear a jersey dress with knee high clomp-clomp boots. And to hell with what's in the magazines. If you like it honey, get it. Also it doesn't really matter what you wear, it's how you wear it. Find a statement something per season and work it. I am currently loving tough-as-nails fingerless gloves.

5. It's never a bad idea to wear a dress. I have more dresses in my wardrobe than anything else and they're what get me compliments. Also, boys do like a nice dress.

6. Nail polish must only be iridescent and nude or any shade of red. Anything else is just ridiculous.

7. Every girl needs a pair of killer heels but they're not the be-all or end-all of footwear. Contrary to Sex and the City and their superimposed versions of "what is universally hot", if you walk tall in a pair of flats, if you see art in a pair of old sneakers then dammit, you'll look good.

8. A thin line of blue eyeliner drawn on your lower lashline looks good. It sounds odd but it really isn't if done well and worn with bravado.

9. Be happy. That skip in your step is huge in determining how attractive you are to the world. Happy girls stay happy. Miserable bitches will always be miserable. I see a lot of conventionally beautiful women with mean faces that put me off. Oh and girls (in Bahrain in particular), for fuck's sake, smile. Be nice. The attitude isn't sexy at all.

10. And finally, be good at something. One thing. Whatever it is, be very very good at it. Maybe you excel at your job, maybe your people skills are honed to perfection, maybe you can run really really fast, maybe you're a keen mathematician. It doesn't matter. Competence is sexy as hell. But make sure you couple it with nonchalance and a sense of humour otherwise you might as well be yet another arrogant twat, at which point I will turn around and say to you, "Honey, whatever you can do, someone out there can do it a million times better."

So there you have it. Tips that may or may not do much for you at all. I don't proclaim to be a great beauty or anything of the sort but some of the things here do make me feel better about myself and that, my friends, is what allure is all about.